What If Journal

Change scares the shit out of me I think. I crave a lot of security in my personal life and I don’t know if that has something to do with my early childhood or having a career in music which is a rollercoaster of a time. I was in a relationship for a really long time and I would definitely be lying if I said I wasn’t in love with him. I just think somewhere along the way I lost myself a bit and then covid happened and seven years crept up on me and I didn’t recognise myself much anymore. 

Then I met a girl by chance and I was reminded of who I am and next thing I knew I was halfway across the world writing songs about her and how scared it made me. Every song I wrote was from a negative angle. I was consumed with how meeting this girl had ruined my life and that it forced me to see myself for the first time in a long time and I would’ve happily lived the rest of my life with my head in the sand but now I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t un-meet her. I couldn’t un-feel what I felt. I had already buried too many feelings and I couldn’t bury any more. I hated her for it. I didn’t even know her but it was enough to force me to reflect on myself and where I was in life. 

‘What If’ was born from a session that almost didn’t happen. I was doing promo in London at the Universal office when I got an email from Josh (SOAP) asking if I was still coming to the writing session. I had been double booked and so I raced over to the tube underground and just made it in time for us to write a song. I unloaded the whole story on them (trying not to cry) and all I could talk about was how sad and lost I was and that I didn’t know what to do. I was also so tired of writing about it…I was exhausted from being so sad all the time. 

That’s when both Josh and Karl suggested that this situation wasn’t bad at all. “What if it’s amazing? What if it works out? Or what if she rejects you BUT you end up being more yourself than ever and you get to live an authentic life?” They had a point and I loved it. It was the first time I felt excited and almost grateful for meeting her. But that didn’t mean that all my problems went away…I still had to break my own heart and break his heart. I had to untangle everything I thought my life was back home. And it was going to be painful and lonely…so so lonely. But for the first time I had so much trust in my gut feeling that it was the right thing to do. No matter how heartbreaking, I was doing myself and him the biggest favour. So then we wrote ‘What If’ and honestly in a lot of ways this song may just be the reason I worked up the courage to come home to Australia and end my relationship. I will always remember kissing him in the front yard because I knew it was the last time. My face was wet with tears and I couldn’t even talk because of the lump in my throat. My stuff was packed and I got in my little red car and I remember driving down our long dirt driveway, crying so hard I thought my head would explode. I remember seeing him through the rearview mirror standing outside our house on a hill and although I was so upset (I’m trying not to cry now whilst typing this) I knew that it was the right thing to do. It was the first time in a long time I had opened myself up to change for the better…even though it meant that I was alone, I didn’t feel alone. The feeling of ‘what if’ felt so exciting and so authentic, I found peace in knowing I was already on the right path no matter what happened next.